The Secret of Dave Matthews 

I've known a deep dark secret for a very long time, and I think it's time I let the world know the truth... about Dave Matthews.

Now this is going to sound crazy, but believe me. No one knows the entire truth about this except for the man himself, but I can tell you what we do know:

Dave Matthews is an ageless being who has existed since the dawn of time. Legend has it that Dave became so bored with millions and millions of years of daily life that he found other ways to amuse himself.

Such as pooping on people.

But it became too much for Dave. A standard bathroom session could not settle the appetite Dave had aqcuired for spreading his fecal goodness all over his fellow man. Dave Matthews has an addiction that is millenia old, and he needs help. He needs to be stopped.

Dave realized years ago that the most efficient way to collect a large amount of waste is to become the frontman for a popular touring band. The tour bus collects the waste of all those onboard for long periods of time. Once removed from its containment, it can spray a human being chock-full of doodoo at an alarming rate, with nowhere to run or hide. Dave no longer had to restrain his victims, and could attack multiple people at will across the nation. It's just what Dave Matthews craves.

Last year, authorities caught on to Dave's ways after he dumped 800 pounds of human waste over a bridge, onto a boat of people on a day cruise. I thought that maybe the shitstorm of Dave Matthews had finally come to an end. I was wrong.

News broke today that Dave's tour bus driver has taken the blame for the incident. As frightening as this news may be, the more imminent threat is still at-large: Dave Matthews WILL strike again. Therefore, I have taken it on as my sole duty and responsibility to inform the masses of the truth about Dave and his past, in hopes that we might be able to prevent possible attack in the future.

I suggest a poop terror threat alert system be instituted. It would range from sickly (AKA I-never-know-what-makes-it-this-color) green, to diarrhea brown, to I-drank-a-six-pack-of-Guiness black, all the way to bloody-stool-colon-cancer red. This is the most efficient way to keep the people alert, prepared and, most important of all, safe.

It's time for you to be informed. Therefore, I present to you, Dave Matthews' escapades across time:


adam & eve



berlin wall


And so I ask of you, ladies and gentlemen, keep the Goldstein family and their feces-soaked clothing and belongings in your prayers, and help put a stop to Dave Matthews. Thank you.
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2003 - 2005
Reverend Neil Hughes