HOME |
BIO |
SAX INFO |
LINKS |
JOKES |
These are some great jokes that I have accumulated over the years, and I thought I would be nice and post them online for your entertainment. So if you need a good chuckle, just pull up this page and read until you cry!
Blonde Jokes
What do you call an eternity? Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First
What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
How can you tell if a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? There's white out on the monitor.
Why can't blondes dial 911? They can't find the "11" on the phone.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman instead of a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
Did you hear about the two blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!"
Why did the blonde scale the chain link fence? To see what was on the other side.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Here's one for the ladies ;)
Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I have some bad news," he said as he surveyed their worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it's the only way. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye-contact with the women. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled and said "It's just standard procedure. We have to mark down the price of female brains because they've actually been used."
A Note on GOLF
A golfer asked his friend "Why are you so late?" The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
George W. Bush: I don't think I should have to answer that question
Al Gore: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Granpda: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
John Lennon: Image all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aristotle: It is the nature of the chicken to cross the road.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Voltaire: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
Captain Kirk: To boldy go where no chicken has gone before.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken 2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. And what do you mean by cross? Could you define cross please?
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road. And there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
I got these off a takeout bag from Arby's
What's black and white and green and black and white? Two zebras fighting over a pickle.
Why did the teacher send the duck out of the classroom? He was making wisequacks.
Why did the chimp sell his banana store? He was tired of all the monkey business.
Is there a silent C in Connecticut? No, but there's a noisy ocean offshore.
Did you hear the one about the giraffe? Well it's over your head.
Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders? They have lots of spirit.
During what school period do cars get put together? Assembly.
Why couldn't the monkey catch the banana? The banana split.
What happens when you annoy a clock? It gets ticked off.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Why is it hard to fool a snake? You can't pull his leg.
What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck.
Where do elephants go to see art? The peanut gallery.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinner's on me.
What kind of mistakes do ghosts make? Boo boos.
How does a bee get to school? He takes the buzz.
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware? Her New Jersey.
This page is a dedication to the chaos, amusement and randomnessticitivity © that jointly constitute John's life. Should you come across anything offensive or verbally belligerent in content or implication, be informed that it is not directed solely at you. If this disclaimer alone is enough to scare you, exiting the window in a timely manner is probably the preferred action for you. Enjoy!