Current mood: creative :)
I have been blogging a lot recently. I suppose this is due to my recent emotional state but I believe that this increase in my writing has something to do with the end of school as well. I am no longer forced to write and I need to get my words on "paper" it just seems to be a natural inclination. I was thinking about this compulsion of mine to write and I remembered one particular written rant most likely the precursor of my blogging...
At the end of the year in eighth grade I had a free day in Mr. Fallon's math class. We were given time to mess around on the computer, a huge treat in the eyes of techno geek Fallon, and I was immensely bored by the approved options for the free time( math games or tetris I believe) so I pulled up notepad and decided to amuse my self. This was a pretty emotional time in my little life, all sorts of drama going on and I felt like spilling my soul and note pad seemed quite willing to listen. So spill I did and in my usual fashion I got overly dramatic questioning my will to live without a best friend and what I had done to deserve such a fate etc.. At some point during my outpouring of emotions I noticed a presence hovering above me. Mr. Techno Geek himself unabashedly reading every private word, quietly(thank god!) to himself. Being a math teacher, not much for words or messy emotions for that mater, he was clearly baffled. I turned, angry at his invasion and he looked me directly in the eye and asked a simple unimportant question: Why are you writing this? I was not expecting that question at all, are you OK maybe, is it alright that I was reading this certainly, but not why! Dramatic, hurt angry, me, actually smiled "because I have to" I responded.
Later that day I went back to Mr. Fallon's room to drop off my algebra book, I had forgotten of course to turn it in when everyone else had. He seemed a bit sheepish presumably because it finally dawned on him that he should be after reading a 14 year old girls private thoughts (about time!). Still though it was clear he had something more he needed to say to me so I waited as he logged my book under the returned side of his list. He looked up at me with a very grave face, "about today Megan... you are OK right?" I responded in an equally serious way, his face just demanded that I be humorless, that I was "fine" . He then asked to sign my yearbook and while I have no recollection of what he wrote,( I'm sure I could find it somewhere, but that would require some serious digging) I clearly remember what he said next, "If you ever need to talk I am here and remember that you never have to feel that a computer is the only place you have to turn." He clearly meant so well and was obviously concerned about what I had written and said but on my way out of his room that is not why I smiled, I smiled because he had completely missed the point! I vent to a computer screen or sheet of paper not out of loneliness or for lack of open ears ( you all know, I never shut up!) I write because it allows me to craft my experiences into the exact way I feel them. I can think out all of the details, choose what is important, twist what must be twisted so as to make the tale one I believe in, and carefully select each word so as to convey my exact meaning. That is why I write, that is why I blog and that is why as forced writing ends, my own stories become more frequent. I write because I have to.
Currently listening to:
Rockferry
By Duffy
Release date: 2008-05-13
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