Monday, December 27, 2004

The Black Holes of Television - A Rare, but Powerful Phenomenon

Television, much like the Universe is mostly empty space. Despite having a nearly endless supply of channels, most stations spew forth an equally endless supply of pure garbage. With a record amount of reality shows slated for 2005 it looks as if this trend will continue to worsen.

How many cars must be pimped, wives swapped, houses redecorated, celebrities punked, choppers built, and ugly women...swan-ified, before the American public wakes up from its reality-induced stupor? The few shows worth watching are like bright points of light in the vast emptiness of the television sky.

Shows such as Lost, 24, Nip/Tuck, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Entourage, and the West Wing are the only thing that keep television from being plunged into the darkness of mediocrity.

While these bright spots are what make it worth watching, there is a still more powerful force within the television universe - a force that few see coming and from which none can escape.

Certain movies contain that special something, a gravitational singularity which prohibits a previously reasonable person from changing the channel and draws one to it in such a way that escape is futile. I call these phenomena the black holes of television.

One could innocently sit down in front of the TV on a Saturday afternoon, intent on flipping channels for a couple of minutes - cruising around the blackness of the television universe in search of a star, with no idea of the invisible giant that awaits. Rarely does one seek out these black holes - most often they blindly stumble upon them and are unknowingly drawn into its time-wasting core. The only recourse is to wait it out and hope that there are few commercials.

How do I identify a black hole? What to look for:

Title: Any combination of the words "Back to the Future" or "Ghostbusters".
Cast: Any movie that Arnold is involved in any way, even as a cameo.

Yup, thatÂ’s it. Sometimes the most amazing things on earth are the most simple to define.

Of course these are just the universal black holes; each person has their own collection of movies or television shows that draw them.

In addition to the ones listed above, I am helpless to turn off the TV during:
  • West Wing marathons on Bravo
  • Married with Children marathons on FX
  • Anything with "Star Trek" in its title

What can't you escape from? If anyone has any black holes of their own leave them in the comments.


Neil said...

There's a black hole that I can't escape, and it's in your pants.

4:16 PM  
Anonymous said...

Damn it Neil, I was going to leave some witty comment alluding to Brian's a-hole but of coarse you're the first to dive right into it.


9:00 PM  
Brian said...

No pun intended har har har

1:07 PM  
Anonymous said...

My black holes include unexplainable teen movies, confusing anime shows, and most confusing, any show in spanish. im excited for neil's unprompted insult of me that most likely relates to my poophole.

7:02 PM  
Madame DeBarge said...

Anything with Law and Order in the title. It could be Law and Order: I Wet My Pants, and I'd still fucking watch it. Cartoon Network non-anime shows. I.E., ATHF, The Brak Show, Sealab 2021, Billy and Mandy, The Powerpuff Girls. I live with my grandparents, and my gram is a fucking news junkie. It's watch cartoons in the off time, or go insane.
Secret guilty pleasure? I love the (insert decade here). I just love watching people make fun of crap that used to be insanely cool.

12:25 AM  

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