Do you ever get the feeling you could, at that particular moment, be ready for greatness? Some stupendous act, achievement, or heroic decision is within your grasp if only you knew what it is. I get into lots of strange moods listening to music, avoiding homework and psyching myself up (all at the same time for this particular musing), but this is a new feeling. It's quite similar to the urge to get up and run for miles. Aside from the minor issue that I'm physical unable to complete such an act, I always get quite tempted. Sometimes I can get away with just a good walk outside in the crisp air. And it ~is~ crisp, to be sure. Right now it's probably 60 and the temperature's dropping. The weather tomorrow is expected to have a ~high~ of sixty, so it's only going to get colder from here on out. Brrr. Nice.
Back to greatness. So this feeling is akin to the "I'm-really-psyhced-up-for-no-particular-reason-and-I-could-scream-from-sheer-fullness-of-life-and-dang-doesn't-this-single-line-get-old" feeling, but slightly different. For those of you who are... non-religious, translate what I'm about to say to fit your dogma as you please, but don't zone out.
A few months ago (the beginning of this semester), I was really interested in trying to grow as a Christian. That is, I wanted to further develop my relationship with Jesus Christ stronger than it was. I promise, no preaching, this is going somewhere secular, stay with me. I asked God to make me dependant on his strength and not mine. Things have always been too easy for me to accomplish on my own, so why should I rely on any other strength other than mine. Oops. What followed has been the most stressful time of my life. I generally deal with stress the way most men deal with commitment in relationships -- I allow it to completely slide over me without affecting me or changing me in any way. And yet, for whatever reason, this past semester I've been closer to loosing it than I ever have. I have felt so much pressure from school which suddenly decided it wanted to bend me over and spank me repeatedly. I have been destroyed by my classes and am going to need a herculean effort to get a somewhat respectable GPA before this semester is over.
And last week I remembered my early request. Was I pissed off. I mean, common, God's supposed to know I didn't really mean for things to become insufferable. I wanted hollow growth or supposed growth that doesn't actually come from having to stretch myself. No such luck. So I went and asked God to help me deal with things as they came. Help me to be able to act without any pressure, knowing that things were up to him however they went. Whadd'ya know, but things got better. Now of course those of you who do not believe in God can rationalize this merely as me psyching myself out and then suddenly finding some false hope or crutch that I could hide behind to make myself feel better. Whatever, my final point remains the same.
This feeling I have now (usually accompanied by good music and a chill breeze, as is the case now) is the same feeling I had last week when I felt able to deal with things again. I feel a stength that is beyond anything of myself. Whether it's because I am strengthened by some outside source, or am merely deluding myself, you decide, but this feeling of strength and ability is amazing. It's the feeling that makes me jump from balconies. The feeling of flying through the air faster and faster is breathtaking. It's like those childhood dreams of flying over my neighborhood feeling the wind. It's why I like sprinting in cool air (a cheap imitation of flying), and it's why I'll probably break my leg someday in a fool stunt leaping from somthing no one in their right mind leaps from.
Time to accomplish things. Of course, the only 'great' things to accomplish are finishing up the webpage, finishing Digital Logic homework, and studying for Discrete Structures. Unh uhh, that's not a problem. Binary conversions? I only have ~three~ classes doing the same thing. By the time you get to it a third time it gets more than a little easy.