  On the fateful, yet relatively quiet day of October 30, 1982, young Matthew David Williams, XVIII was ushered into this world. The doctors at the hospital in Plano, TX and Matt's astute parents, David and Anna Williams, immediately recognized the genius lying beneath the cute baby exterior. "We just thought he had an enormous noggin'," said his parents, trying to brush aside the shrewd discovery with their unyielding modesty. Clearly, the next step of evolution was taking place under their very noses. Matt's early infancy was fairly typical - he took cello lessons, read books on topics such as nuclear physics and potty-training, and participated in day trading. Above all else, though, young Matt had a strong penchant for skulduggery, an unmistakable sign of the genius at work within his gifted brain. He was known to hide important items, such as his parents' house keys, in random locations, and he was able to regurgitate upon command [not to]. In addition, Matt quickly developed the ability to crawl, then walk, and before the age of two, turn flips in midair. By the age of two, he was able to recite his ABC's forwards and backwards - in four different languages. Despite cruel treatment as a youngster, such as forced participation in naked baby races, being hung from the ceiling against his will, and the dreaded "time out," young Matt continued to develop his incredible mental faculties to levels beyond that of normal children through philosophical reflection. At the age of almost three years old, a special bundle of mentally dysfunctional joy was brought into Matt and his family's lives - younger brother Stephen Jared Williams was born on August 29, 1985. The release of the Nintendo Entertainment System that same year kept the Williams family dreadfully preoccupied, and as a result, young Stephen was forced to breast feed himself.
Shortly after that time, young Stephen, in just his second year of existence, was living in a steel cage beneath the Williams' house. He quickly developed a strong taste for rodentia and an inexplicable Russian accent. If he was well-behaved, he was allowed to have guests on the weekends, but Matt kept a watchful eye on the mindlessly playful toddlers. Matt, neighborhood friend Bill Bobo, and others were often known to concoct illustrious schemes to keep themselves occupied, such as playing full scale American Gladiators in the garage, constructing refrigerator box palaces of epic proportions, and shooting random objects (both living and non) with BB guns. This fun climaxed with the construction of Matt and Bill's Secret Underground LairTM, a vacuity within the ground so grand, both Bill and Matt's massive sub 100 pound frames could fit into it (while crouching).
The End Thanks to Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti (of Marvel fame) for the cool baby picture above. Can anyone guess where it came from? |
At the age of four, Matt graduated Summa Cum Laude from the "Preschool Academy for 'Special' Children," not far from his new home in Maryville, TN. He was known as the "ring master" amongst children his age because of his affinity for beating the youngsters with a horsewhip. It goes without saying that he was 
Matt's parents continued to see the genius developing within their son, and as a result, Matt was soon placed into 
