Quotes

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you.
     -- George Carlin

In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
-- Douglas Adams

Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
-- Isaac Asimov

Creationists make it sound as though a "theory" is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
-- Isaac Asimov

When I die I won't go to heaven or hell, there will just be nothingness.
-- Isaac Asimov

I've steered clear of God. He was an incredible sadist.
-- John Collier

I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose.
-- Clarence Darrow

I do not believe that any type of religion should ever be introduced into the public schools of the United States.
-- Thomas Edison

I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal God.
-- Thomas Edison

I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own -- a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty. Neither can I believe that the individual survives the death of his body, although feeble souls harbor such thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotisms.
-- Albert Einstein

Well, evolution is a theory. It is also a fact. And facts and theories are different things, not rungs in a hierarchy of increasing certainty. Facts are the world's data. Theories are structures of ideas that explain and interpret facts. Facts don't go away when scientists debate rival theories to explain them. Einstein's theory of gravitation replaced Newton's in this century, but apples didn't suspend themselves in midair, pending the outcome. And humans evolved from ape-like ancestors whether they did so by Darwin's proposed mechanism or by some other yet to be discovered.
-- Stephen Jay Gould

Reason can never prove the existence of God.
-- Immanuel Kant

Christians call it faith ... I call it the herd.
-- Friedrieh Wilhelm Nietzsche

There never was more than one Christian, and he died on the Cross.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

The Christian system of religion is an outrage on common sense.
-- Thomas Paine

The pioneers and missionaries of religion have been the real cause of more trouble and war than all other classes of mankind.
-- Edgar Allan Poe

No man who ever lived knows any more about the hereafter ... than you and I; and all religion ... is simply evolved out of chicanery, fear, greed, imagination and poetry.
-- Edgar Allan Poe

Man is a marvelous curiosity … he thinks he is the Creator's pet … he even believes the Creator loves him; has a passion for him; sits up nights to admire him; yes and watch over him and keep him out of trouble. He prays to him and thinks He listens. Isn't it a quaint idea.
-- Mark Twain

One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed in it. They have also believed the world was flat.
-- Mark Twain

There has been only one Christian. They caught him and crucified him -- early.
-- Mark Twain

Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned.
-- Mark Twain

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
-- Voltaire

If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities.
-- Voltaire

Christianity is the most ridiculous, the most absurd and bloody religion that has ever infected the world.
-- Voltaire

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
-- Voltaire

Homer: God bless those pagans.
-- Simpsons Season 3

After Homer runs over a deer
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: A deer!
Lisa: A female deer!
-- Simpsons Season 3

Reverned Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!
--Simpsons Season 3

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
-- Simpsons Season 3

Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican!
-- Simpsons Season 3